I’m always waiting for that one text that won’t ever come.
I love that still, after all these years, I’m apparently the bad guy when it comes to Danie and I.
Neither of us was the good guy, per se,
But I sure as hell wasn’t the one that did the all the really bad things.
I wasn’t the one the demeaned how she felt and how upset she was that I’d dogged her on New Years with no sorry or explanation, instead making it all about me, making her the bad person and making her apologise to me because she’d dared to call me “stupid” whilst drunk and upset on New Years.
I didn’t dump her via a fucking text message, refusing to speak to her as she frantically tries to contact me to sort out what was going on.
I didn’t get a new girlfriend, the very same girl that I’d insisted to her that there was nothing going on with whilst we were dating, and carry on like nothing ever fucking happened, letting her find out what I’d done from a mutual friend a month later.
I didn’t go around telling people she was abusive, to justify how I fucked her over for the next girl.
I didn’t act like a complete cunt to her when she’d try to talk to me and patch things or at least try to understand what had happened.
I didn’t start emailing her, not long after she’d finally gotten over me, telling her that I’d been dreaming about her, that I felt bad about what I did, that I fucking missed her, that I wanted to see her, knowing full well it’s going to be messing with her.
I didn’t cry and tell her I was sorry, that I wanted her back, playing with her hair and being all couple like, letting her kiss me and letting us make out, all whilst I was still dating the same girl that I’d left Danie for.
I didn’t lead her on for a month after that, always too busy to see her, before eventually turning on her again and acting like a cunt once more.
I didn’t open her feelings for me back up again after she’d managed to get over me, only to proceed to fuck her over and fuck her and her feelings up that badly that she’s spent the next 3, 4 fucking years unable to let it, and me, go.
I didn’t proceed to befriend her friends, eventually causing a conflict of interest, meaning her friends practically never speak to her anymore.
And do you know why I didn’t do any of this?
Because that was her.
That’s the general gist of the things she did to me.
What did I do?
I was a fucking idiot that would occasionally fail to think before he spoke.
I never intended nor desired to do/say the wrong thing,
But I’d fuck up, apologise for it and try make sure she knew I didn’t mean to upset her and that I loved her.
Oh, yeah, and I struggled to trust her sometimes, which really came into play when she started hanging out with Antz Kay.
She knew I’d been cheated on, she knew I had issues and she knew that it could be a problem on the occasion, as much as I absolutely did not want it to be.
She told me she understood.
She told me she’d never hurt me like that.
Almost literally everyone has told me, knowing her, she cheated on me.
I’d knew she wasn’t single when she originally made a pass at James and ended up kissing me.
A part of me was saying, “No, get out, you can’t trust her”.
But I found her too interesting and stayed.
I should have listened to my gut.
She offered the chance for a threesome and I said no,
Because I already liked her and wanted to make it work.
I’m the bad guy…
I did all the bad things…
She’s the victim…
And now, what have I done?
All I’ve done is send her some emails,
Talk to some friends about her,
Eventually realised that I hadn’t been the best boyfriend I could have been and wanted to apologise to her for it.
Yes, I can’t let it, let her go.
Not yet, anyway.
Yes, I might hate her sometimes, but I still love her,
I’m always going to love her, even if I do eventually fully move on.
I’ve been stuck on her for 3, 4 years,
Turned down relationships because I still needed to work on the issues she left me with because of what she had done.
Unless one of my friends or her friends mentions me, I bet she doesn’t ever think of me.
She’s had 2 or 3 relationships since, so I’m told.
I honestly do not know if she even really loved me or not.
But she did throw me away like I was nothing,
So I honestly don’t know which answer would be better.
I loved her, really loved her.
She’s one of only two people I’ve ever felt this way about before.
I was a loving fool that just needed to think before he spoke,
And I am the bad guy.
And she’s the good guy.
Maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve people treating me like I’m a bad person, friends of mine lying to my face about her.
Maybe I deserve better.
I don’t want her and I to trade places,
I don’t want her to be the bad guy.
I just want to see her, apologise for not being a better boyfriend and find some answers in her eyes, something that gives me closure and let’s me move on.
Maybe even possibly friends somewhere far down the track.
Certainly, it’s not too much to ask for.
I think I’ve suffered more than enough.
don’t waste sunsets with people who will be gone by sunrise.
I want you
to think about kissing
as much as I
|—||Alena M. (via angelinalouu)|
I want to make some new friends.